


if you lose yourself, could you take me too?

by saidsoftly



Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Bucky is a lost puppy, M/M, Memories, Nightmares, Saccharine, Smut, and i apologize, brief angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-28
Updated: 2014-08-28
Packaged: 2018-02-15 03:29:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,349
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2214132
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saidsoftly/pseuds/saidsoftly
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Even though Steve and the rest of the Avengers have taken him in, Bucky feels like he just doesn't belong.  He finds himself in Steve's bed, looking for somewhere that feels like home.</p>
            </blockquote>





	if you lose yourself, could you take me too?

**Author's Note:**

> written for this capkink prompt:
> 
> _Steve/Bucky - sweet dirty talk_
> 
> _We've had far too many complex and plotty prompts here, so how about some straight up porn?_
> 
> _Like dirty talk. Or at least, Steve's version of dirty talk, which is pretty much him murmuring sweet nothings in Bucky's ear while he fucks him._
> 
> _In particular, I've got this vision in my head of Bucky riding him (or Steve on top) and Steve running a soothing hand up and down Bucky's thigh or side and whispering "I've got you, Buck. It's all right, I've got ya."_
> 
> Title from "Cherry" by the Smashing Pumpkins.

He doesn't belong here.

Everyone's done their utmost to convince him that he does, Steve most of all, but he can't shake the feeling that he shouldn't be here. That nobody, except for Steve, really wants him here. It doesn't help that he's always been wildly perceptive, picking up on every little body movement, reading more than he probably should into every glance. The way Natasha tensed up around him like she was ready to spring into defensive action should he revert to his assassin ways. The look of slight disgust Tony sent his way when he thought he wasn't looking.

_Because you killed his parents._

And Barton, let's be honest; he didn't even pretend like he trusted him. He was civil, polite even, but he never let his guard down around Bucky. Steve made an effort to include him in everything, whether it be training or strategy sessions or even just the meals they shared as a team, to the point where Bucky felt guilty, but he still felt out of place.

A man out of time, just like Steve. Only Steve hadn't murdered dozens of people.

He almost never slept at night. He couldn't. His head was swimming with newfound memories and old nightmares. And yes, there was also a little part of him that thought he didn't deserve peace or rest. Something he would never tell Steve.

The first time he went to Steve's room in the middle of the night, he didn't even know what he was doing. Like his legs just moved, independent of his brain. He stood next to the other man's bed for a few minutes, chewing on his bottom lip as he considered going back to his own room, but then Steve stirred, blinking his eyes open slowly and whispering Bucky's name as a question.

"I can't sleep," Bucky replied quietly. Steve didn't say anything, just moved over to one side of the bed and pulled the sheets down for Bucky. It was so casual, like they'd been doing this their whole lives.

_Maybe we have._

Bucky lay down next to him, staring at Steve as the other man fell back asleep. He tucked his arm between his head and the pillow, the cool metal soothing against the flushed skin of his cheek. He let his eyes drift over Steve's still form before falling asleep for the first time in weeks.

***

It quickly became a pattern. Bucky would show up next to Steve's bed at night, and Steve would casually, wordlessly invite him in. He woke up once while it was still dark, pleased to discover Steve pressed against his back with an arm slung over his waist. Bucky rolled over carefully, ready to burrow against Steve's chest when those exquisite blue eyes fluttered open.

"Sorry," he said softly, "I didn't mean to wake you."

"It's okay," Steve murmured, his lips curling into a smile as he pulled Bucky closer and pressed their foreheads together. Bucky smiled too, wrapping an arm around him and splaying his hand over the warm skin of Steve's back.

Here, in Steve's arms, he finally felt like he belonged.

***

It quickly became the new pattern. Bucky would slide into bed and immediately wrap himself around Steve or roll onto his side and let the other man spoon him. He had a slight preference for the latter position because Steve would sometimes bury his face in his hair and even kiss the back of his neck. He was pretty sure Steve only kissed him when he thought he was already asleep, but that didn't take away from how much Bucky liked it.

He came early one night, sitting on the edge of Steve's bed and waiting for him to come out of the shower. Bucky sat up straight when he heard the water stop, and the door opened a couple minutes later, Steve rubbing a towel over his head as he emerged. He stopped dead in his tracks when he saw Bucky, his face wrinkling in concern.

"Bucky? You okay?" he asked softly, tossing the towel onto the back of a chair and coming closer.

Bucky stood up and closed the space between them before Steve could make it to the bed. He placed his trembling hands on Steve's waist, still warm and damp from the shower, and swallowed nervously before pressing their lips together.

Steve froze immediately, his whole body going stiff, and Bucky suddenly felt stupid kissing someone who wasn't kissing him back, so he pulled away with an embarrassed frown. He glanced up briefly but couldn't maintain eye contact, so he dropped his head instead and stared at his feet, not knowing what to do. He was about to mumble an apology and leave when Steve grasped his chin and propped his head back up to look at him. He searched Bucky's eyes before cupping his face in both hands and kissing him back, languorous and deep. They parted only when they needed to breathe, Steve smiling against Bucky's lips and pulling him over to the bed where they lay kissing for what felt like hours until they fell asleep in each other's arms with their legs entwined.

***

Bucky came to Steve's room every night for the next week, opening the door and smiling shyly when he found Steve already awake and waiting for him. Most times they kissed, sometimes they talked and sometimes they just held each other. No matter what they did, it was the only time Bucky felt truly safe. And wanted. Like he belonged. Being with Steve felt like _home_. He couldn't even put into words how grateful he was, but he was sure Steve knew anyway, somehow.

Everything was perfect until the night Bucky slipped off his underwear before crawling into bed naked and pressing himself against Steve with a needy moan. Steve's eyes were wide and startled, and he gestured awkwardly like he didn't know where to put his hands. "Bucky, what are you... I mean, we don't have to do this," he said softly, brushing the hair back from Bucky's face.

"I want to," Bucky whispered, pulling Steve into a searing kiss and rubbing himself against his thigh. But Steve seemed hesitant, unconvinced, so he broke away and gazed into his eyes. "You've done so much for me. It's the least I can do."

But that was obviously the wrong thing to say because Steve sat up immediately, putting space between him and Bucky. "Bucky, no," he said quietly but firmly when the other man tried to resume kissing him. Bucky pulled back with a wounded look on his face, perplexed as to why Steve was rejecting him. "I'm helping you because I want to, because you're my best friend, not because I expect something in return."

Bucky opened and closed his mouth, his brow furrowing in confusion and his eyes brimming with hurt. "You don't want me?" he asked in the smallest of voices.

Steve cringed, like he was in pain. Like Bucky's words were a dagger in his chest. "Of course I want you," he breathed, "but you barely know who you are. I just... I can't. Not like this."

Bucky slid out of the bed wordlessly, wrapping himself in a sheet and not even bothering to grab his underwear before escaping back down the hall to his own room. He locked the door and threw himself down on the bed, those old nightmares creeping back into his thoughts as hot tears spilled down his cheeks.

***

Two weeks went by, and the two soldiers barely said a word to each other. Their falling out was painfully obvious to the rest of the team, though no one asked about it. Even Thor noticed, and most things went right over his head.

Bucky hated it. He hated feeling this way, but he didn't know what to do. The nightmares and the doubts and the confusion and the pain were all back with a vengeance, seeping into his bones and making him itch to disappear. He wanted it to stop. He wanted to be back in Steve's bed, in his arms, safe and sound where nothing could touch him.

He wanted Steve to want him there.

But Steve didn't trust that Bucky was whole again, didn't think he was capable of making those kinds of decisions. And yes, maybe the puzzle of his past was still scattered into pieces, but he knew enough. His brain had taken the brunt of the damage, torn apart and put back together more times than he could count, but his heart remained unmarred. He knew what he wanted, and he knew who he loved.

_I have to make him see._

This is what he told himself outside Steve's room. This is what he repeated silently as he took a deep breath and opened the door.

Steve was still awake, and he propped himself up on one arm as Bucky closed the door behind him. "Hi," he said softly, his blue eyes so solemn they were almost grey as Bucky stepped toward the bed. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"It was cold," Bucky said suddenly, and Steve sat up with a questioning look. "I was standing by that tree, the one that looked like it had a face. You brought me a blanket and...and some of those croissants, the ones that the baker from Le Mans gave us as a thank you." Steve's mouth dropped open, and he closed a hand over it, tears pricking at his eyes. "There were snowflakes on my lashes, and you said...you said I was beautiful. And then we...we..."

"We kissed," Steve gasped, a tear falling down his cheek. "It was our first kiss."

Bucky nodded, sitting gingerly on the bed. "I wanted you then, and I want you now." 

"Oh, Bucky," Steve breathed, surging forward and capturing Bucky's mouth in a passionate kiss. "I love you so much."

"I love you too, Steve," Bucky whispered, and it was the first time he'd said Steve's name since...well, since the 40's. Steve leaned over him, pushing him down on the bed gently, and Bucky fell open like a flower. The weight of Steve's body between his legs felt wonderful and familiar, and he sighed happily into the other man's mouth. Steve groaned in response, growing hard against Bucky's thigh as that metal hand clutched desperately at his shoulder.

"I want you, Buck," he whispered against Bucky's mouth, reaching down and ridding him of his underwear. "I've always wanted you."

Bucky whined impatiently, pulling at Steve's boxers as his own erection fell hot and heavy against his flat belly. Steve kicked off his boxers and wasted no time pressing their bodies back together, kissing and sucking under Bucky's ear as he ground his hips down against him. Bucky cried out sharply, grabbing Steve's ass and holding him in place while he rocked up to meet him. 

Steve raised his head, admiring the wet red welt he'd left on Bucky's neck before shifting his gaze to the other man's face. He kept their eyes glued together, watching every twinge of passion wash across Bucky's visage. Steve dipped his tongue between Bucky's lips and rolled his hips down slowly, their cocks sliding and bumping against one another as Bucky rutted against him desperately.

"Shh, it's okay," he said softly, silencing Bucky's pained whimper with a kiss. "I'm gonna make you feel so good, Buck. I promise." Steve ducked his head down to kiss the cleft in his chin then kept going, kissing a heated trail down his chest and stomach before hovering over his groin. He looked up at Bucky, meeting his gaze as he licked a slow, wet stripe up the underside of his cock.

"Steve," he gasped, tilting his head back over the edge of the bed as the other man took him deep into his mouth. Steve moaned, the vibration making Bucky's toes curl, and bobbed his head up and down a few times before pulling off with a satisfied grunt. He slid down further, wrapping his strong arms around Bucky's thighs and nuzzling one then kissing the other as he pushed him up and spread him open.

Bucky's breath caught in his throat as Steve dragged his tongue up between his cheeks, swirling it around his asshole before pressing a firm kiss against him.

"I've always wanted to do this," he murmured, and Bucky could feel the heat of his breath between his legs. "Dreamed about doing this." Steve flattened his tongue, licking him again and again and groaning against his sensitive pink skin like Bucky was the most delectable thing he'd ever tasted. He eased his tongue past the tight ring of muscle, licking him open and making Bucky pant and keen.

"Steve, please," he gasped, not even sure what he was asking for, just knowing he wanted more. He was already so delirious with pleasure that he didn't even notice Steve had moved until he was back between his thighs and rubbing a slick finger against his entrance.

"Just relax, Buck," he whispered, "I won't hurt you." He eased his finger inside and watched carefully as Bucky's head fell to the side, his eyes fluttering closed. When Steve was confident that Bucky wasn't in pain, he added another finger, making him whimper softly as he pushed and twisted them in and out.

"More," Bucky begged quietly, reaching down and giving his cock a squeeze before stroking it desperately.

"Yes, baby," Steve replied, adding a third finger and stretching him carefully. "You're so tight, Buck. I can't wait to be inside you."

"Yes," Bucky whimpered, swallowing thickly. "Please, Steve, I...I want you, I need you. Please."

"You have me," Steve whispered, moving back up to close his mouth over Bucky's as he thrust his fingers in deeper.

Bucky whimpered pitifully against his mouth, pulling away with a frustrated gasp. "I need you inside me!"

Steve laughed softly against his cheek. "I know what you meant, Buck." He let his fingers slip out of him, and Bucky immediately missed them. He would've complained had Steve not positioned himself between his thighs. "Are you ready?" he asked, moving a fist over his cock and making himself slick. Bucky nodded emphatically and nearly came undone as the thick head of Steve's cock prodded at his hole. "Tell me if it hurts too much, okay?" Bucky nodded again. "Promise me, Buck."

"I promise," he whispered hoarsely, his mind going hazy with pleasure as Steve wrapped a hand around his cock and began stroking him slowly as he pushed the tip of his cock into Bucky's ass.

"Jesus, Buck," Steve hissed, nearly doubling over at the feeling of Bucky wrapped around his dick. "You're so tight, baby." He rocked his hips forward, slowly pushing himself deeper into Bucky's body.

"Steve," Bucky whined, screwing his eyes shut as the pressure of Steve's cock filling him overwhelmed his senses.

"Are you okay?" Steve asked breathlessly, exerting an impressive amount of willpower to still himself. "Does it hurt?"

"No," Bucky insisted quickly, opening his eyes and gazing up at Steve. "Please...don't stop." 

He didn't, pushing all the way in until he was buried to the hilt. Steve swiveled his hips, letting Bucky get used to the feeling as he leaned down to kiss and nibble at his jaw. "You feel so good, Buck," he murmured into his ear, tugging his soft earlobe between his teeth. "Even better than I imagined."

"You...imagined this?" Bucky asked, eyes wide with wonder. He was surprised he could even manage to get words out with Steve's thick cock throbbing in his ass.

"God, yes," Steve breathed, peppering kisses over the scar tissue where flesh met metal. "Do you know how many nights I spent alone in my cot wishing you were with me, beneath me?"

"I was only a few feet away," Bucky smiled, combing his metal fingers through Steve's short blonde hair, "wishing the same thing."

"We were pretty dumb back then, huh?" Steve grinned.

Bucky nodded, using his other hand to pull Steve down into a kiss, lips and tongues clashing as he draped his legs around Steve's waist. He broke away, waiting until Steve's blue eyes opened and focused on him before he whispered, "Fuck me, Steve."

Steve rolled his hips slowly, dropping his face into the crook of Bucky's neck to muffle his groans as he fucked him gently. "I missed you so much, Bucky," he whispered brokenly into his ear. "I thought I'd lost you. I...I never thought we'd..."

"I'm here now," Bucky replied softly, brushing a tear out of Steve's long lashes with his thumb.

Steve nodded, quickening his pace. "I won't let anything happen to you," he promised as he thrust in and out of the warm body beneath him. "I'm not going to lose you again." Bucky closed his eyes, moaning and raking his metal fingers down Steve's back as his best friend and lover fucked him into the mattress. "Gonna protect you," Steve continued, the words coming out ragged between heavy breaths. "Gonna take care of you, Buck."

"Steve," he sobbed loudly, his flushed, swollen cock spurting suddenly all over his stomach. He was slightly embarrassed that his climax had come so quickly, but Steve didn't seem fazed.

"You're so beautiful, Buck," he panted, fucking him hard and fast now. "I love you so much." Even though they felt like jelly now, Bucky tightened his legs around him, his spent cock dribbling a little more with each thrust. His arms followed suit, wrapping around Steve and holding him close as he stiffened and came deep inside him.

They didn't say much after that, too exhausted as they basked in the afterglow, bodies flushed and shining with sweat as they held each other until they finally fell asleep, more contented and sated than they'd been in years.

***

They made love again the next night, this time with Steve on his back and Bucky riding him. He needed to learn to pace himself though; he bounced up and down so wildly that he nearly fell over, and Steve laughed softly as he caught him.

"I've got you, Buck. It's all right, I've got you." He pulled himself into a sitting position, wrapping his arms around Bucky's waist and holding him tightly as he thrust his hips up and down, fucking him until Bucky came all over both of their chests. He couldn't help but smile as Bucky went limp in his arms, holding him for a while before gently maneuvering him onto his back and pounding into him for a few more minutes until succumbing to his own climax.

***

Steve woke up hard the next morning, and Bucky pulled him into the shower, dropping to his knees and wrapping his lips around his thick cock before Steve could even get the water to the optimal temperature. He groaned and leaned back against the wall of the shower, Bucky making up for his lack of experience with unbridled enthusiasm.

"You look so pretty like that, Buck," he murmured, pushing away wet pieces of hair that clung to Bucky's face. "I should take a picture." Bucky smiled up at him with bright blue eyes, no longer a dull grey like they had been for so long. He bobbed his head up and down, sucking him off eagerly until he came down his throat.

Steve slid down until he was sitting on the floor of the shower, letting the hot water spray over his body as Bucky curled up against his chest. "What am I gonna do with you, Buck?" he wondered aloud, combing his fingers through Bucky's wet hair. "How am I supposed to save the world when you're sapping all my energy?"

"I don't care about the world," Bucky muttered softly. "Everything I care about is right here." It may not have been the most heroic of sentiments, but it was true. This is where he belonged. This is where he wanted to stay.

He lost himself in Steve and never felt lost again.


End file.
